Friday Night with Jonathan Ross

Note

This webpage lists the "jokey banter" which takes place just as Jonathan Ross introduces his house band 4 Poofs and a Piano. The list begins when Ross ended his 12 week suspension on 23rd Jan 2009, but is by no means a comprehensive compilation of all the "banter" about his house band, who on occasion are simply referred to by Jonathan or his guests as "the poofs."

poofs complaining their balls are heavier

Ross says "the poofs are complaining" (3 July 2009)
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23rd January 2009

Ross: And you know, on that subject there can't be many viewers watching who aren't aware that this show hasn't been on recently and the reason for its absence. You know I'm going to take this opportunity to apologise for what I said on the radio. Because being on the BBC and being allowed this level of freedom to communicate openly with people - it's a great privilege, and it's something I've always enjoyed and I value enormously. And in future I do intend to be more aware of the responsibility which comes with such a gift. But as the kids say "it was my bad" - so I do apologise for any hurt or distress it caused.
Speaking of enormous cock-ups - well it's going to be gradual change obviously - will you please welcome my house band, 4 Poofs and a Piano.

30th January 2009

Ross: Talking of our soldier prince [Harry], may I introduce the men who are regularly drilled before breakfast. It is, of course, my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

6th February 2009

Ross: Talking of snow, may I introduce the men who are often left red-cheeked after enjoying six inches in the back garden, it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano, ladies and gentlemen.

13th February 2009

Ross: Talking of the pirate look, may I introduce the men who regularly have their mainbrace splashed (sic) by a jolly roger, it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano

20th February 2009

Ross: Talking of digital TV, may I introduce the men whose perfect night is stretching out on the sofa and receiving Dave Plus One. It's my house band - 4 Poofs and a Piano.

27th February 2009

Ross: Talking of the internet, may I introduce the men who always shout yahoo as they google each other.

6th March 2009

Ross: Talking of mountaineers, may I introduce the men who are regularly taken up the Dolomites, it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano ladies and gentlemen.

13th March 2009

No programme (Red Nose Day)

20th March 2009

Ross: Talking of respect for animals, may I introduce the men who would run a mile rather than trouble a beaver. It is my house band... or any animal .. or any animal .. or any innocent woodland creature ... it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano ladies and gentlemen.

27th March 2009

Ross: Talking of Google Street, may I introduce the men who regularly open up their macs and show everyone their little semi, it is of course my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

3rd April 2009

Ross: Talking of the economic crisis, my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano cannot be here this evening. Last night they had a massive injection of liquidity, so we ... it's an economic term ... look it up. But we have a fantastic replacement in honour of one of our guests tonight. Ladies and gentlemen would you please welcome our house choir for this week only - Gospel Singers Inc

10th April 2009

No programme (Good Friday)

17th April 2009

Ross: But first may I introduce the men who would happily pay a tenner/tenor to be taken in the chamber of horrors. Will you please welcome my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

24th April 2009

Ross: Talking of Susan Boyle, may I introduce the men who may not look much but when they open their mouths they bring pleasure to millions. It is ... my house band .. 4 Poofs and a Piano ladies and gentleman.

1st May 2009

Ross: Talking of putting a brave face on it, may I introduce the men who before every show go into one dressing room and pull themselves together. It is ... it's a rehearsal technique, it's deep breathing, big breaths and all that kind of thing. It's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano ladies and gentlemen.

8th May 2009

Ross: Speaking of doughnuts, may I introduce four men who, given a chance will also leave you feeling sticky and guilty - it is, it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

15th May 2009

Ross: Speaking of Russia, may I introduce the men who are never happier than when they're being taken up the Urals by a Cossack, it's ... it's a geographical reference, look it up if you don't believe me ... it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

22nd May 2009

Ross: Talking of flu, may I introduce the men who are bravely here tonight despite spending all morning feeling a little dicky, it is my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

29th May 2009

Ross: Talking of Susan Boyle, may I introduce the men who also on Saturday night are going to try and beat off a muscular escapologist ... it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano. There they are.

5th June 2009

Ross: Talking of The Apprentice, may I introduce the men who would love a position under Sir Alan Sugar, it is my house band 4 Poofs and A Piano.

12th June 2009

Ross: Talking of the glories of the West Country, may I introduce the men who will never know the joys of pork in cider, its .... think about it ... it's my house band 4 Poofs & a Piano.

19th June 2009

Ross: Talking of sweets, may I introduce the men who love a box of chocolates, they love sucking on Terry's nut cluster .. was that even a joke, or just filth? It's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

26th June 2009

Ross: Talking of Glastonbury, may I introduce the men who are genuinely performing there this weekend, and they are gonna blow Bruce Springsteen off the stage. Unless the security stops them, and I believe they've got their eye out for you, it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano ladies and gentlemen.

3rd July 2009

Ross: Talking of Wimbledon, may I introduce some men who would love to roger Federer .. it's my house band .. it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

10th July 2009

Ross: Talking of scientists, may I introduce four men who are often found in laboratories at night looking for a damn good boffin, it is ... my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano ladies and gentlemen.

17th July 2009

Ross: Talking of romantic breaks, may I introduce the men who love being taken up the Grand Canal by a gondolier .. it is ..they love Venice don't you .. they love Venice - all that water and not a car in sight. It's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

24th July 2009

Ross: Talking of overnight earthquakes, may I introduce the men who are regularly found gripping the bedposts braced for the big one, it is of course - you can't be too careful can you - my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

31st July 2009 - 28th August 2009

No programmes (summer break)

4th September 2009

Ross: Talking of airports, may I introduce the men who are never happier than when helping an air traffic controller guide in a jumbo, it is of course .. have you missed us ladies and gentlemen .. it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

11th September 2009

Ross: Talking of the World Cup, may I introduce the men who dream of Beckham getting round the back and bending one in, it is my house band .. 4 Poofs and a Piano ladies and gentlemen.

18th September 2009

Ross: Talking of surprise endings, may I introduce the men who like nothing better than a sting in the tail ... it is my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

25th September 2009

Ross: Talking of the dangers of eating too much chocolate, may I introduce some men who often have painful fillings in their cavities probed ... dentists(!) .. please welcome my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

2nd October 2009

Barbra Streisand special (no house band)

9th October 2009

Ross: Talking of Indiana Jones, may I introduce some men who regularly find themselves in a tight spot and love it, it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

16th October 2009

Ross: Talking of things to come, may I introduce four men who frequently have the future of mankind in the palm of their hand .. oh so many times .. it's my house band, 4 Poofs and a Piano.

23rd October 2009

Ross: Talking of Welsh pub crawls, may I introduce some men who are regularly found nibbling nuts in The Miners Arms, it is of course my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano. There they are, ladies and gentlemen.

30th October 2009

Ross: Now, as it's Halloween we have a treat for you - 4 Poofs and a Piano can't be here! (audience cheers and then a few awws) That was a great sound, cos there was a cheer and then they thought well they might be watching. I miss them too. No, but scary things give them the willies (laughter) and that sort of thing isn't allowed at the BBC. So how do we replace them? Well luckily we have one of the greatest soul bands of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, for one night only, my house band, will you please welcome the legendary - the one - the only - The Stylistics.

6th November 2009

Ross: Talking of traffic accidents, may I introduce some men who are regularly pranged from behind - and they never even stop to ask for a home address. It's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano, ladies and gentlemen.

13th November 2009

Ross: Talking of of things Russian, may I introduce the men who are never happier than when they're being taken up the Urals. It is my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano. {Note: this was virtually identical to the 'joke' on 15th May 2009}

20th November 2009

No programme (Children in Need evening)

27th November 2009

Ross: Talking of South American fugitives, may I introduce the men who were last seen disappearing up the Orinoco, it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

4th December 2009

Ross: Talking of golf, may I introduce four men who regularly reach for the wood, take three strokes and end up plugged in the bunker ... look at them - there they are, my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

11th December 2009

Ross: Talking of people who appreciate great art, may I introduce some men who are often brought to tears by the sight of a well-hung Constable, it is -- you like Turner as well, dont you? But Constable is your favourite -- my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

18th December 2009

Ross: Talking of Christmas preparations, decorations and trees, may I introduce some men who spend the whole afternoon erecting a six-foot Norwegian. It is my house band - it's a tree - 4 Poofs and a Piano.

25th December 2009 - 8th January 2010

No programmes (winter break)

15th January 2010

Ross: Talking of the treacherous weather, may I introduce some men who got stuck up Ben Nevis (band laugh at joke). Don't worry it turned out well - they were pulled off by an RAF winchman - it is my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano, ladies and gentlemen.

22nd January 2010

Ross: Talking of high winds, may I introduce some men who were blown in a hedge on the way to the studio, but they're still here - it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

29th January 2010

Ross: Talking of the flu, may I introduce some men who battle through illness. When they feel a little stiff they get a grip, and they just shake it off. They do, they do. They never let it get them down. It's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano, ladies and gentlemen.

5th February 2010

Ross: Talking of John Terry's betrayal, may I introduce the men who regularly do the dirty on each other (band groan) it is my house band - I meant you sometimes come to me and gossip - that's all I meant, they gossip about each other - it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano, ladies and gentlemen.

12th February 2010

Ross: Talking of moose, may I introduce some men who've often been stuffed and mounted in a lumberjack's cabin - it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano, ladies and gentlemen.

19th February 2010

Ross: I have big news. Dave, our regular pianist is off this week, having a family break. He's been replaced, so get better Dave - he' not ill, y'know, just get better. But luckily... we can all improve, we can all improve. He can only do the C scale can't he? But luckily the other fellas love having a new member to play with, and so here they are, it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano. There they are.

26th February 2010

Ross: Talking of the skeleton [bob] may I introduce some men who regularly clamber on board, close their eyes, grip on tight and head straight to the bottom - it is my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano. There they are.

5th March 2010

Ross: Talking of Australia, may I introduce some men who wouldn't go near Adelaide, but had to be dragged out of Sydney. It is my house band - you loved it there didn't you, there was a parade and everything - it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

12th March 2010

Ross:Talking of Sport Relief may I introduce some men who, when they reach the final stretch, always find the energy to finish with a little extra spurt - it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

19th March 2010

No programme (Sport Relief)

26th March 2010

Ross:Speaking of the Budget, may I introduce the men who regularly encourage growth by stimulating small businessmen, it is .. my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano, ladies and gentlemen.

2nd April 2010

Ross: Talking of bears, may I introduce some men who - well let's just say if you go down to the woods today, you'll be sure of a big surprise. It's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

9th April 2010

No programme (due to live golf - The Masters 2010)

16th April 2010

Ross: Talking of aggressive electioneering, may I introduce some men who forced their way into many a formerly safe seat - it is my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

23rd April 2010

Ross: Talking of the election, here's some men who spent all week sliding in the polls - my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

30th April 2010

Ross: Talking of repairing the [Hollywood] sign, may I introduce the men who would love to be mounted on a hillside by a carpenter, it is of course my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

7th May 2010

Ross: Talking of election day, please let me introduce some men who'd vote for anyone who could give them a big swing in the marginals - thank God we don't have to do political stuff any more eh? - it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

14th May 2010

Ross: Talking of the coalition, may I introduce the men who, after some stiff negotiation, will happily get behind an Old Etonian - it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano ladies and gentlemen.

21st May 2010

Ross: We were talking of drinking, so may I introduce four men who are never happier than when they have a handful of nuts and a mouthful of something French .... at the winebar, it's my houseband Four Poofs and a Piano, ladies and gentlemen.

28th May 2010

Ross: Talking of watching the World Cup, may I introduce the men who would spend many a happy hour in a snug hubby hole**, if they could - it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

** According to Ross hubby holes are "special rooms where men can watch the football and hide from their wives."

4th June 2010

Ross: Talking of barbecues, may I introduce some men who love nothing more than a big meaty sausage between their buns - it's a legitimate barbecue reference - it's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

11th June 2010

Ross: Talking of playing America, may I introduce some men who are very happy at the thought of eleven Yanks on Saturday night - it is my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano, ladies and gentlemen.

18th June 2010

Ross: Talking of the World Cup, may I introduce some men who will happily spend 90 minutes blowing a horn - it is - well it wasn't clever, but it got the job done - my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano and a vuvuzela.

25th June 2010

Ross: Talking of the Germany match, may I introduce some men who, faced by stiff opposition, are almost certain to blow it - (to band) you're no good under pressure are you? It's my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.

2nd July 2010

Ross: Talking of England's defeat, may I introduce some men who are regularly breached four times at the back by Germans, it is .. aww they love a bit of vienna don't you .. my house band Four Poofs and a Piano.

9th July 2010

Ross: Talking of vegetables, may I introduce some men who are never happier than when they have a mouthful of swede, or indeed any other root vegetable. It's my houseband 4 Poofs and a Piano.

16th July 2010

Ross: Talking of the sadness of the World Cup, may I introduce the men who've enjoyed 44 years of hurt. It is my house band - (to band) don't worry I'll come on every Friday and do a little joke for you - my house band 4 Poofs and a Piano.